Hollywood is losing money because you’re an asshole.

So, I went to a screening of Shutter Island tonight. The cinema was full to brimming; the only seats left were the ones two feet from the screen where you practically had to have your knees up near your ears to fit in the seat. We were lucky. We managed to snag a pair of seats a few rows from the back.

We were surrounded by assholes.

Going to the cinema is not that hard a concept to understand: You sit in the dark for two or so hours watching moving pictures on a screen. It really beggars belief as to how people still manage to find ways to fuck it up.

I find myself going to the cinema less and less as I encounter more and more morons fuckwads assholes fuckwads who have absolutely no concept of how to act in these situations. As such, here’s a short list of ways to not be a fucktard in a cinema:

1. DON’T FUCKING TALK. Not a hard one to grasp, really. You shut your mouth, sound doesn’t come out. It really is a brilliant concept and one you should really take up when the Feature Presentation whatsit comes on.

Example: Tonight at the cinema, we had a couple beside us, a couple behind us, and a couple in front of us who all, at various points in the film, decided it was time for a chitchat. That’s not even including the people dotted around the rest of the cinema who were chatting at a volume we could hear, but not understand. Fun Fact: I don’t care who X character reminds you of, mostly I just want to punch you in the face. [Screening: Shutter Island]

2. DON’T FUCKING TALK. Chances are you’ve seen Fight Club. Deal with it.

Example: You’re sitting in your lounge room watching a movie, the volume’s up, you have a cup of tea and some popcorn, maybe some Girl Scout Cookies. You know what’s awesome about this? You’re alone! You can talk as much as you want! You’re not going to get my fist in your face if you keep talking throughout! AMAZING! Stay there. Do not leave the house. Do not inflict your stupidity on a large group of people who aren’t going to rock the boat and tell you to shut up because they don’t want a meat thermometer to the throat. [Screening: Daybreakers]

3. DON’T FUCKING TALK. I’d really love to stop repeating myself, but considering you haven’t grasped the concept of not fucking talking in a fucking cinema after 100 fucking years of cinematic history, chances are you’ve been beaten with the moron stick and still aren’t quite grasping the concept.

Example: Regardless of what language you’re speaking, WE CAN STILL HEAR YOU. STFU and STFD. Assholes. [Screening: Shutter Island and Where The Wild Things Are]

4. DON’T FUCKING TALK. Sing it with me, you have to know the words by now.

Example: Nobody cares if you’re from New Foundland. Nobody cares if you want the hypospray McCoy used on Kirk. Nobody cares whether or not you can feel your ass. Nobody cares what you think. And you know why? You’re not J.J. Abrams and you didn’t work your ass off to show off your lens flares. Also, you’re nowhere near as attractive as Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, or that weird nobbly thing that hung out with Scotty on the ice planet. And you smell like feet. (Addendum: Another reason to not attend the cinema: if you have consumption and are sucking back Nyquil like mother’s milk while chunkily coughing on the Australian girl sitting beside you. Assface.) [Screening: Motherfucking Star Trek. TWICE.]

5. DON’T FUCKING TALK. Urge to kill rising.

Example: Just because your baby can’t form words yet, doesn’t mean you should bring it to a late night screening of an R rated movie. We can hear it. We can hear you calming it. We are all imagining you being torn apart by ravening hoards of the undead. [Screening: Zombieland and Legion.]

In conclusion: STFD. STFU. Watch the damn movie.